Off the Record, Through the Looking Glass

The Hay Adams Hotel is in sight of the White House. It's a place where bellhops in fine suits open the lobby doors for you, greet you with charm, and usher you into a great hall filled with plush leather, soft music, and whispered conversations of unmeasurable importance. But underneath this classy exterior lies a world unlike any we've seen on our A-to-Z tour. Like Alice in Wonderland, our happy hour this week took us to a world we'd never visited, introduced us to a cast of unusual/possibly evil characters, and presented challenges that tested our wits, patience, and moxy.

Our night began as M. Gatewood led us White-Rabbit style through a maze of cooridors and stairways, down, down, down to the hotel basement where Off the Record emerged from the shadows. Our host presented a Cheshire grin and gestured us toward a large round table of imported mahogony. He pulled our chairs out for us. Placed leather menus at our fingertips. Provided us candied cashews and wasabi peas on which to nosh.

Like Alice, our chairs were red and our thirst significant. Luckily, our waiter was soon by our side, the Mad Hatter ready to offer a bevy of classic liquid options ranging from Lime Mint Juleps to Traditional Sidecars to Fine Chardonney. Many more of our friends arrived, all in awe of the bar's lush decor and fine cocktail selections. Two new bartenders were summoned to cater to our ever-growing crowd, which stood out among the bar's other patrons for its youth and charisma. For a short while, some 40+ A-to-Zers delighted in pleasant conversations and marveled at how tasty the burgers were. Little did they know that their visit to wonderland was about to get trippy...

Turns out our two bartenders/waiters were not the brightest bulbs in the talking flower bed. In fact, let's call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. These guys did not know how to handle a crowd like ours. Drinks ordered at the bar were added to the main table's tab. Rumors of double billing were later confirmed. On one occasion, I handed Dee my credit card and asked to start my own tab. When I later returned, I discovered that he had simply placed my card on top of the cash register, rang my drink up on the "main" bill, and never swiped my card. He handed it back, dumbfounded that I was confused over the situation. Someone asked to settle the bill. The Mad Hatter was kind enough to drop it on us, nearly breaking the sturdy mahogony with all its weight.

What ensued was a nightmare of sorting out who ordered what, why people who ordered from the bar and paid still had their drinks listed on the main bill, and telling the Tweedles to please give us more time to sort their mess out. Somehow, some way, we reached what we were sure was a final settlement. I stacked up several credit cards and a wad of cash, gave it to the Cheshire host, and trusted that we were fine. Assuming such was the case, I returned to conversation among friends. All of a sudden, I saw in my periphery a woman appear from the backroom, stride regally over to M. Gatewood, and ask him for a triple-digit tip she claimed had not been provided. Gatewood complied, not realizing this woman was none other than the Queen of Hearts, who everyone knows maniuplates cards in hopes others will suffer. She was wrong. I called her out on it, spending a good 15 minutes trying to explain to her that she was overcharging us. It took her awhile, but soon she admited that yes, she had "somehow overlooked" the wad of cash we had submitted along with our credit cards.

The bill and dust settled, I called it a night early, longing to return to the world where up is up and cocktails aren't $15. Despite the stressful events, which I suspect were in part calculated by the bar staff to deter us from ever returning, I might like to go back sometime for a nice beer and tasty hamburger. Just be sure to pay ahead of time in cash.

All-star of the evening: J. Anderson, who, despite the confusion over the bill, managed to get us a 15 percent discount because he is a regular at Off the Record. This may seem like a small feat, but 15 percent of a lot is a lot!